Kernel Opinions Sig

Can you imagine if everyone born in the same 30-day period had the same personality? What a nightmare that would be. If astrology-backed horoscopes had any truth to them, that would be the world’s unfortunate reality.

Good thing they’re absolute bull.

Due to my mid-December birthday, I am a Sagittarius. I am an extroverted, philosophical free spirit, according to exploreastrology.co.uk. I am unquestionably the nicest of all the zodiac signs. Yeah, right.

Horoscopes and zodiac signs are nothing more than scapegoats lazy people use so they don’t have to accept their mistakes. Sure, I may have said some really cruel things to my friend yesterday, but hey, Mercury was in retrograde. Blame it on the planets, not me!

You may be reading this thinking, “Duh! Of course horoscopes are fake. How stupid do you think we are?” But according to a recent Gallup poll, about a quarter of people believe in astrology.

Many studies aim to debunk astrology pseudoscience once and for all. One of the most revealing experiments was performed by Bertram Fohrer. He gave all of his students descriptions of their personality, supposedly uniquely based on a previous test. He then asked them to rate how accurate the descriptions were, on a scale of one to five. What he didn’t tell them was that every student’s description was identical.

The students gave an average accuracy rating of 4.26.

I bet they never trusted a horoscope again after that embarrassment. The truth is, astrology is even more outlandish than Greek mythology. That’s saying a lot, considering that in one notable Greek myth, Hades, the god of death, kidnaps the goddess Persephone and manages to trap her in the underworld forever for eating one measly pomegranate.

Horoscopes hook people in with extremely vague descriptions that can apply to 90 percent of people’s lives. Stop living the life of a sucker. The planets aren’t sending you a message—trust me, you aren’t that important.

I don’t mean to be a buzzkill. If you still want to base your day on some insanely vague horoscope that a BuzzFeed reporter undoubtedly invented this morning, knock yourself out. I can’t promise I won’t judge you, but I won’t waste my time trying to prove you wrong.

But please, for god's sake, or I suppose, Jupiter’s sake, read some actual news too (no, the Kardashians do not count).